Happy Things

31

So, I weight 140.2 today. WTF?! So, after 5 weeks of hard work, I have lost absolutely nothing. :( Who knows, maybe it’s from flying and the gross food I had at the airport? Maybe it’s just water weight and tomorrow it’ll go back down.

Starting today, no more of this 1400-1500 calories/day crap. It doesn’t do anything for me. What does work for me is between 700 and 1200 calories per day, consistently. I know the nutritionist recommended higher, but because of my ankle I’m practically sedentary. 

This is one of those days where I can feel that fat all over my body. I can feel it weighing me down and suffocating me. I know, I know, disordered thoughts or something. Bla bla bla.

Oh yeah, and now that break has started, I’m counting down to when break ends. There’s always got to be a countdown. Maybe I can get into the 120’s by the end of break? 

1 Day Until Break

137.2 today…

I am majorly stressing out today. I finally decided to just calm the f*** down. Eat some dinner and relax for an hour. So now I’m eating a hearty meal of veggie soup, a bagel, and some gin, while watching some cheesy romantic comedy. 

Food so far: sandwich 450, juice 200, bagel 500, soup 150, gin 100 = 1350

R

E

L

A

X

2 Days Until Break

Up to 136.4 today. I shouldn’t have said anything yesterday. ;)

Just ate waaay too many nuts for breakfast. Probably 350 calories worth. I might go get a live juice, which is ~200 calories. And then a sandwich (1/2 for lunch, 1/2 for dinner) for 700. So that’ll be 1250. Hmm, and then something else… I have very little food at my apartment, so hitting 1400-1500 a day is actually getting pretty hard. Oh, I know, I can have some pasta for 200, if I get really hungry later. That’ll bring me to 1420.

Just found out I might be going to Vegas for NYE. New goal to work towards? I want to get a cute dress and actually feel hot when we go out. Usually I try on like 7 different outfits, and then just pick the one that I feel least massive in.

UPDATE: 

So, my boyfriend has the flu, so I can’t stay at his place when I fly home. :( I am so sad. I’ve been looking forward to that for months! I get to see him eventually, but it might not be until after New Year’s now, because he’s going on a trip over Christmas & New Year’s. Such shit. 

I guess on a happier note, I noticed that my face is starting to look thinner. I look so much prettier when my face isn’t so fat. 

I looked back at an old log from when I lost weight a little over a year ago (before my surgery and months of being a sedentary fatass). Back then I lost 7 pounds in two weeks. WTF?! Why did it just drop back then and now it’s taken 5 weeks to lose 4 pounds? 

So, today I ended up eating: nuts 350, raw juice 200, pasta 450, chicken 200, tea and pretzel 70 = 1270. Might have some miso and more tea later, so I guess it’ll be around 1370 total. I’m so into juice lately. I’d buy a juicer, but I’d probably just get sick of it a week later. :P

I wonder if I’m not losing because I’m so stressed out? I can seriously feel the stress hormones surging through my body. It’s like I’ve been having a constant low-grade panic attack for two weeks straight. 

I would say that I get to relax once this semester is over, but I have a research proposal, pilot study, and paper to write over break. Plus lots of family obligations. So it might be less of a break than normal life. And then when I get back in the spring, I have 10 class credits, 4 thesis credits, and 2 TA-ships! Oh! And I need to start applying for jobs, so I have something to do once I graduate. Aaaaaaaah! So. Much. Stress. I just need to relax and take it one thing at a time. 

Starting now, I will forget about my stress, drink some tea, and grade papers for the next three hours. Then I will go to sleep, wake up refreshed at 10am. 10-1 finish grading papers, 1-2 go drop off the graded papers at school, 2-3 clean and pack, 3-5 work on paper, 5-6 clean and pack, 6-8 paper, 8-9 clean and pack, 9-11 paper, 11-1 finish packing and relax, get to sleep by 1. Then I’ll finish my paper on my 18-hour journey home. Whew. 

And go!

UPDATE AGAIN: Yes! I stuck to my goal and finished grading half of the tests in three hours! There are seriously papers, books, pens, and highlighters covering my entire desk and dining room table. I’m such a crazed grad student.

3 Days Until Break

Realizing that I’m leaving in three days is more than slightly unnerving. I still have so much work left, and things always seem to take more time than I expect. 

Yesterday I only had about 1100 calories, but it was 1100 calories of pure crap. Chicken nuggets, pizza, chocolate covered pretzels, and alcohol. 

Today has been a pretty healthy day: 12 oz. fresh squeezed carrot/orange/grapefruit/ginger juice (180), tea (50), almonds (200), 1/2 chicken, veggie, cheese sandwich (300). So that’s 730 so far… I’ll probably have the other half of the sandwich and some other stuff later. I feel like I’ve been eating a lot to make up for lack of sleep lately. Really great for weight loss, right? :P

Still weigh 136.2 today. Crazy that it hasn’t fluctuated in either direction at all in three days.

4 Days Until Break

The last few days have been so busy. So much work and so many parties. I haven’t been eating super well. I think my calorie count was something like 1400, 2000, 1700, 2000 over the past four days… Somehow I’ve been down to 136.2 for the past two days. 

I’ve had about 750 calories so far today, but it’s going to be a loooong night, so we’ll see how many I end up with. I still can’t believe I’ve been doing this for almost five weeks and I’ve still only lost like 4 pounds. 

On a good note, my ankle is back to not hurting when I walk. I still can’t go to the gym, but at least it’s progressing. I spent a few hours looking up ways to do cardio without your feet. They’re pretty awkward, but I’m going to give them a try. 

P.S. I think I’m reverting to my five-year-old eating habits. Chicken nuggets always sound appetizing lately.

7 Days Until Break!

This morning I weighed myself. 137. Boo. But then I walked to the bathroom in my underwear and caught a glimpse of myself in the full-length mirror. I actually didn’t look terrible. I mean, not great, but actually not *that* bad. 

A week from now I’ll be on a plane home. I think my boyfriend is going to pick me up at the airport. 

Total: +TBD (food) -TBD (exercise) -1700 (BMR x 1.2) = TBD

Food: TBD

Exercise: TBD

Weight: CW: 137, UGW: 115 (22 pounds to go)

8 Days Until Break!

 Total: +1380 (food) -0 (exercise) -1700 (BMR x 1.2) = -320

Food: 1/2 powerbar 150, tea 50, veggie soup 150, almonds 210, veggie pot pie 450, hummus and pretzels 370 = 1380

Exercise: :(

Weight: CW: 136.4, UGW: 115 (21.4 pounds to go)

First Visit with the Nutritionist

Ugh… so I made the brave step to see a nutritionist. And it was kind of a waste of time. She didn’t really tell me anything helpful. I showed her my food log, and she said I am eating a good variety of food, but my calorie intake is too low. She said to bump it up to 1500. I always thought 1200 was the gold standard for weight loss… I tried out 1500 today and it just felt like too much. 

I also really wanted to get some blood levels tested (things like iron that have been low before) and to get a body composition test. But apparently I need to see my primary care doctor for the blood tests and I need to see the other nutritionist to get the body composition. So now I have to go to two more appointments. :( 

I was just really disappointed, because I thought a nutritionist would help me lose weight in a healthy way. Instead she just cautioned me to not lose weight. I think her assessment was much too conservative. I feel like their way of dealing with people with (or with a history) of eating disorders is to just pump us with as much food as possible. But this doesn’t work, because then we just get fat, rebel, and revert to our old, unhealthy ways. If they could help us keep control over our consumption and bodies, while eating healthfully, I think there would be less inclination to revert. 

9 Days Until Break!

10 Days Until Break!

Total: +965 (food) -150 (exercise) -1700 (BMR x 1.2) = -885

Food:  bagel with light cream cheese 350, coffee 50, vegetable and cheese sandwich 390, fish 90, 2 gummy candies 25, milk 60 = 965

Exercise:  Ankle is feeling a tiny bit better today. I got a new brace and shoe insert, which are helping a lot. I ended up having to walk all around school to do TA stuff, which added up to 1.5 miles (-150 cals). 3x6 arm reps, leg/butt exercises.

Weight: 137

11 Days Until Break!

So, yesterday I only had 560 calories before I went to this dinner party at my friend’s house. At dinner, I ate sooo well. I had a ton of veggies, two bites of lasagna, and a small serving of beef. But then… the girl throwing the dinner served me a big piece of homemade dessert. I was like, “oh, no thanks,” and she was like, “oh, just try some” and gave me a slightly smaller piece. So, I ended up eating that. And then there was all of this sangria that I had avoided all night, but everyone was like “just try a little.” So I did. And then I was tipsy and thought it would be a good idea to have more. Ugh. So, I’m guessing about 1600 calories total for yesterday.

On a good note: This guy at the dinner party called this other girl and I “tiny.” I can’t even remember the context, but it was so crazy flattering because the other girl is seriously so tiny! I don’t know if I have body dysmorphia or what. All I see is a huge, fat, blob when I look at myself, yet I’ve been called “tiny” twice in the past few days. Oh, and my friend said her guy friend saw me on Facebook and said I was cute. I guess I sound really self-absorbed saying this, but it’s really just to remind myself that I am an attractive person and I need to be easier on myself.

Oh, and I got invited to ANOTHER dinner party next weekend! I really don’t want to go, but it’s the birthday of this girl that I’m just getting to know, and I really want to hang out with her. 

Total: +1095 (food) -0 (exercise) -1700 (BMR x 1.2) = -605

Food:  kashi bar 190, spinach, beans, and rice 350, chicken sausage 200, milk 130, 2 swedish fish 25, toast 200 = 1095

Exercise:  My ankle is still in terrible shape. I alternated ice and heat all day today. Trying so hard to be patient. :(

Weight: 137

12 Days Until Break!

Guess I’ve been too busy to post on here or a while… let’s see, on Wednesday I ended up with 1700 calories, 1400 on Thursday, 1200 yesterday -200 on the elliptical.

Total: +TBD (food) -0 (exercise) -1700 (BMR x 1.2) = -TBD

Food:  chicken sausage 100, veggie, avocado, and cheese sandwich 400, cookie 60 = 560 so far… but I’m going over to a friend’s house for dinner. Will try to not eat too much.

Exercise:  My stupid ankle is at it again. I could hardly walk today. Didn’t even leave the house. :(

Weight: 137.6

I almost feel like giving up because I have TEN, yes TEN parties/lunches/dinners/etc. in the next twelve days. Plus, I can hardly walk, so I can’t really exercise. Feels like a losing game.